introvert

Life would be much easier if I were extroverted. I feel my energy and enthusiasm waning as the day progresses and as much as I want to engage with the young women at this retreat and be present with them, I find myself conserving energy by being as stoic as possible and zoning out my emotions.

I wonder what I can offer these young women who are too familiar with violence, sexual trauma, poverty, and other forms of oppression. They don’t see me as a person of color, yet they don’t see me as white either. It’s a strange space to be East Asian American, somewhat of an outsider. somewhat. idk.

I can feel the stress rising to the top of my head

GOD I WANT TO CRY.

So many last minute changes to be done before we (several organizations) embark on pulling together a 5 day retreat for 65 ish young women from 13 sites across CA.

It’s just crazy the amount of work that goes into cross-organization collaboration. I have no idea how people do this for years and years. Yet, there’s something so beautiful about the fruit that comes from collaboration. Something that proclaims boldly- look what we did together. look at what we can do together. look at what we are going to do.

but, getting there takes the most difficult kind of work EVER. that being, working with others. working with multiple not-yous.

MERCY LORD.

God

i thought my head was going to explode at work but you brought resolution from chaos.

praise God. praise God. praise God.

s.o.s

work – everything is happening last minute and quickly approaching the deadline and I can’t move forward unless I get some responses from other people. and they aren’t responding. i’m going to do what i can and for all the stuff i am unable to do, c’est la vie. let it be.

housing – money issues with current roomies and former roomies. lawd have mercy! i can’t be pushed around to lie or withhold information. i’m going to be honest and i’m going to lose money but it’s too much of an effort to hide. i’m going to live in the light.

boy problems – if you havin’ girl problems i’m feeling you son, i got 99 problems and a boy be one.

life – in some ways, things are flying by like i’m on speed. in other ways, things seem impossible to change.

God, i’m taking steps of faith to you because you are all I have that is consistently stable. give me the strength to stand and then the resolve to walk on.

thoughts on LA public transportation to DTLA

LA is a public transportation nightmare and I knew that from day 1, although, I’m living that more so now as I’m figuring out the optimal way of commuting from the westside to downtown LA (DTLA – 15 miles distance).

Public transportation should really be the lifeline that a city is built around. Cue Tokyo. It is the prime way of bringing people together as they go places and therefore increasing efficiency among other things (most interesting to me being – helping you see who your neighbors are). Unfortunately, for various reasons, LA as we know it wasn’t birthed with that in mind. According to some ideas I think I learned from City of Quartz, LA grew out of this desire for a suburban oasis sprawled out in the desert. And then now in the present day, we see how difficult it is to build anything here because of so many competing interests.

Bear with me as I try and lay down some numbers:

It takes me about 40-50 minutes to drive 15 miles in the morning to DTLA. 15 miles of stop and go, constant breaking = 0.6 gallons of gas. If the cost of gas is ridonk ($4.00/gallon), I’m paying about $2.40 one way. $4.80 round trip. I’m fairly stressed with all the seemingly near death lane changes.

It takes me about 10 minutes to drive 4.8 miles to the nearest metro rail (like BART) = 0.2 gallons = $0.80. Then it takes 30 minutes to ride the metro rail down one line, 10 minutes to transfer to another line, and 10 minutes to walk the remaining distance to work. The cost of metro one way = $1.75. The cost of a one way metro trip + $0.80 gas =$2.55 or $5.10 round trip. One hour duration. By the time I’m at work, I’m hangry. Hungry bc I don’t have time for breakfast, and angry because I’m hungry and mad about public transportation inefficiency. Although, it was nice to run into my roomate’s friend who was on the metro

Don’t even talk to me about the bus option.

In conclusion, there is not that much savings for me to taking the metro rail. The personal benefit is low and any societal benefit is off my radar because it’s such a frustrating route with too many transfers (car/rail/walking).

End of day counting

Per T’s suggestion, I decided to continue writing here, although not on topics specifically related to singleness – because I’m fresh out of content. All I can offer are posts from a single state of mind. Some final reflections on life post-break up and this blog is going to devolve into a mess of inchoate ideas and feelings-in-progress. Be forewarned.

Final reflections:

These past 30+ days have included some of the most emotionally hurting times I’ve ever lived through. On day 1, I could not imagine how the pain would disappear and how the wounds could be healed. And yet, the days passed slowly at first, and then sometimes, in a blur. And I made it through with no more pain. In the moments where I slid into a trap of self-pity/resentment/hopelessness, God provided a way out each time. Whether it was an encouraging word spoken at the precise time, time to journal, an invitation to hangout, or the sweetest thing – faithful friends to lean on,  God showed me His presence through it all.

The final push that gave me the peace to move on came from getting to have closure with R in person. Though part of me still wonders what the future holds for us, more of me is able to concede needing to know that to God. If God has bent down to lead me out of hopelessness and despair, I trust that He’ll continue leading me to wherever He will have me for my good and not my downfall. And life will be fulfilling and meaningful because He is good.

day fart

I don’t even know what day it’s been. Also, I find it limiting to write about being single all the time. Also, I miss my old blog where I wrote about a barf-load of topics. Maybe a better word is plethora. also. i didn’t write write correctly. i.e., with correct grammar. also, fart. i’m tempted to go back to my old blog. but i suppose, this entry can stay here.

Freedom forever please Father

Into Your hands I give my hopes

dreams

needs

fears

Take these and stow them safe away

day 20

R once told me that he was selfishly hesitant about me getting and taking this job because maybe I wouldn’t have time to see him. I suppose another upside to being single now and especially not having a family is that I can work long a-word hours at my new job, have time to expend getting lost in mother friken confusing downtown LA with ambiguous and last minute changing directions (courtesy of google maps), get dinner with a friend, and come home ready to pass out. No babies to feed, no man to serve, just a bacholorette living with other single ladies ya know. 

cue beyonce. 

In college, we were asked when we wanted to get married and I think M.dawg said 25 or 26 and I said something like um 30 something? like 35? Some of the korean exhange students were like “whaaatt?!”

I definitely want to get married before then to start a fam and be able to pass around a soccer ball with my kid and play catch before my bones break from osteoporosis. 

Cynicism aside, I guess with marraige off the radar, there’s a lot of other neat things to focus on in the meantime.