In many ways, i’m stagnating in spiritual stuff re: trusting God. In other news, I wrote one more chapter and ran 2 miles today. I’ll just focus on the positive for now.
Month: January 2016
running
I hate running although I signed up for Ragnar, a strange sounding name that is a relay race one pays money to participate in. I signed up because the idea of running with a team sounded fantastic. The reality of training on the other hand sucks.
The race is on April 2nd. I just ran 1.5 miles and found it to be incredibly boring. Running is boring. I don’t understand what the point is. Is there some kind of objective? Am I supposed to observe the scenery of cars, traffic, and uneven sidewalk pavement? Am I supposed to meditate on the bible in between huffing and puffing? I think it is utterly exhausting and pointless.
But I signed up with a team and I need to run a total of 12.7 miles in three intervals.
I’m at 1.5 miles. So begins training day 1.
cloud 9 – gracias DIOS
Like a drowning person, I’ve been making mad attempts to grab ahold of anything and anyone for help.
Today, I was able to talk to the chair of my department and the most awesome professor in the luskin school (yes she is a woman, yes she is a statistician, and yes, she can kick your ass using her mind).
Both of them told me in different ways to take it easy, to research from a place of genuine interest and not from a place of turning in assignments, fulfilling requirements, or getting any fame (via publications).
I just feel this incredible sense of relief.
There are two more faculty professors I am reaching out to and through them, finding even more people for help along the way. People are multifaceted and deep wells of knowledge, wisdom, compassion, tips, ideas, feelings, perspectives. They can only be experienced fully in person. The great thing about being in the university environment is that there are so many deep-welled people all around me. There is absolutely no way a virtual education or classroom can ever substitute, although surely they can supplement.
I think I truly understand the value of social networks now.
Also, I realized that I’m a bit of a gossiper and I need to stop smack-talking about my department, especially since I’ve already learned how it bite you in the behind. Forgive me Lord and help me!
dj mixmaster
Nothing, including the ideas behind this post, have I ever conceived of on my own. I am a mere DJ mix-master, sampling ideas from various sources. It’s what I do. I am a walking conglomeration of peoples’ thoughts imprinted onto my mind, an amalgam of inflections from everyone I have ever met. I don’t think inflection is the right word, but it’s a word that an old professor of mine would use and his particular stance in this world rocked mine.
The people I encounter broaden the boundaries of my limits and I discover me the more I discover you.
We are bracketed within the infinity of God, who is alpha and omega. From birth through eternity, with no other confines than this, we coalesce, growing into our full selves.
kids- Sunday school
God I love kids though they can drive me nuts. I love how they see the world in fun ways and are adorable and cunning little human beings.
One kid was defying his mom when he was being picked up by throwing toys around and refusing to clean up. After we coaxed him to make an effort, he paused from his work, looked up at his mom and exclaimed: “your dress is pretty mommy. you look like a princess!”
at the age of 4ish, he is already a sweet talker.
life before the automobile
In my first two years in LA, I relied heavily on my bike, the bus, walking, and living within the same two mile radius as church and school to get around. My life was planned around bus schedules, bike routes, and (my wardrobe was planned around) how cold it was at night for biking. Then my dad gave me his car and I haven’t biked much until today.
My bike’s purpose now is more of a vehicle to use for running errands while avoiding parking in LA, but it also allows for a great workout. Back before capitalism made us into efficiency-driven office-bound sedentary-zombies, there was such a thing as exercise that was ingrained into daily routine. And I appreciate that.
Unfortunately, I’m too tired with two tires!
God’s plan
today I had planned to have lunch with a church friend in Westwood and return to campus. instead I returned home. i had planned to read for research and prep for work. instead I felt every part of my body leading me to my warm wonderful bed. I had planned to sleep for an hour. instead I slept for two.
and I woke up completely awake, refreshed, alert.
i think as a result of my foiled plans, i was in a better mood at my small group and more engaged, reflective, and relaxed when leading the study for the first time. This is quite amazing because I’m typically more stressed or anxious when facilitating discussion.
I love how our God both invites us to be a part of his work and welcomes us to rest on Him.
some desires 2016
-be involved in the LA community by returning to social work practice.
-write a book about my coworker that does him justice, maybe call it “aftermath”. as in…after math because this is life post-model minority. maybe call it “stuck in the system” or “injustice: a dish that was served so cold”. or maybe ask someone else for a title suggestion.
-move in with church fam (eta July) and open our home and lives as a space for welcoming others
-make the most of current living iteration hasta July
-read as many books as I can about US social policy bc I don’t know JACK fruit
-trust God to satisfy my deepest need for intimacy, identity, purpose, and belonging…with Himself. Lord have mercy.
back to the grind
I’m using this quarter and the next as a trial period to see if I should continue in academia or not. It kind of feels like playing a role playing video game where you figure out your objective by observing the right clues and talking to the right people. On Wednesday, I felt like I stumbled upon a valuable instrument when my professor shared with me access to a series of datasets. Now I’m thinking of the ocarina in Zelda. Building off of a research idea I heard from a bright public policy student and asking for real world confirmation from a former church brother of mine who teaches, I think I may be getting somewhere.
At work, after being there for 6 months now, it feels like a little community.
At life group, there’s more and more love.
Life is good, I can’t complain.
God did something in my heart where I can rest in his presence.
Out of Darkness 