2012-2017 LA

Today marks the end of an era of sorts in LA. In 2012, I moved to LA for a grad program in public policy with the intention of immediately returning to the Bay upon its completion. I moved to LA with no expectation of who I would meet, where I’d live, where I’d work, who I’d become.

The story that was told in the last five years has been one with twists and turns, heartaches and joys and above all, filled with healing relationships through people and community.

Thanks God for loving me well in this exceedingly warm land of the south, rich with people, food, opportunities, and palm trees.

Help me carry this with me wherever I go and draw from your source to love better in return.

on unemployment

This past week has been hard. Relatively hard. Not hard compared to what people face when they’re imprisoned or tortured or starving or being killed. Not hard compared to what people face when they’ve never met their father because their father left them. Not hard compared to people who are really hustling day by day to make it.

Relatively hard.

I think the best thing about being unemployed is the space to relax and be reminded that though we live in a capitalistic world, work does not define us nor is our work a marker of our worth. It is a blessing to rest on God, our provider, to laugh at the days to come because our circumstances don’t dictate us any longer.

I think the worst thing about being unemployed is being in this space where I am forced to accept that God is sovereign and my determination to churn out cover letter after cover letter won’t yield a job. And because I do derive my sense of security by my income and because I do derive elements of my self-worth from the work I produce, this week I’ve been feeling pretty insecure and worthless.

I think of the puzzle piece I found on the ground that was a reminder that God was holding me and doing something with me. Sometimes, the puzzle piece imagery brings comfort and this week, it’s brought this disappointment that God isn’t coming through, that he’s withholding good from me.

Maybe rather than letting disappointment run me off course, I can choose to press in to God’s promises and character – that I can put my hope in Him, our living hope and not in circumstances.

 

Second full week of being unemployed in LA

what had been the joy of solitude and freedom has begat boredom and loneliness. 

last week I applied to two jobs and wrote about 1 full page of writing and several cards. i heard back from one of the jobs. PTL

on the weekend i found the idea of being home alone to be nauseating and today, after my morning routine of exercise, bible-reading/prayer, extended breakfast, and piano- usually all life-giving things, i’m leaving for a cafe and attempting to get invited to spend sometime with K and her kids. 

God, thanks for having time to rest, i feel very blessed. help me use my time wisely for your kingdom somehow. and please get me out of this state. amen

December 7th

I need to do this for my sanity. Having oodles of free time is fantastic and I’m allowing myself this month to go all out in free time fabulous. However, having oodles of free time can also drive me insane. I’m going to setting short daily goals on this blog and seeing about completing them. Knowing myself, I’ll probably do this for a day or two and then move on, but in the meantime…

Today, I want to…

• Add 1.5 pages to the novel about my coworker who was in prison for 20 years
• Apply to a job

December, month of rest

applying for jobs is annoying and waiting to hear back from orgs is the worst. so far, i’ve applied to 20 or so jobs and have had interviews with 2 orgs. i am reminded of my powerlessness in forcing people to choose me.

in this month of non-working, i finished one of the short pieces i had started in 2016 about the time my family and i got into a fight with a trump supporter while waiting to board a flight to cleveland. i submitted the piece to hyphen magazine and the modern love column. i am reminded of my powerlessness in forcing people to choose me.

one can really be consumed by the creative process, i’ll find myself typing away maniacally, ignoring things like eating and using the bathroom.

i have fantasies of my writing being published and recognized all the while unemployed and with no real writing outlet aside from this blog.

sigh

one can dream.