on being introverted

I wonder if there’s a more gracious way navigating the world as an introvert. Today we had a 5 hour staff meeting on sexual assault and at the end of it, a group of staff declared that they needed to take a walk outside as a break. When asked if I wanted to come along, I told them that I was going to sit alone in a room. I wish I could give a funner answer like “I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE to go on a walk, but I’m hanging out with what’s her face and so-and-so”. Telling someone “I have to go sit alone in a room” doesn’t exactly foster the greatest sense of feel-good-ness, although immediately after I said it, they left in a joyous rush.

and I sat alone in a room in a joyous rush.

unexpected hit of coke into my veins

These last two weeks have been miserable at work. All I’ve been doing is sitting in front of a computer doing non-pressing work which just seems like busy-work. I felt purposeless and meaningless in some ways for not having opportunities to go into the classroom since it’s testing season. Yes, I am privileged to complain about work since a) I have a job, b) I am getting paid for it,  c) I’m getting paid a living wage, and d) I don’t have to labor in fear or slavery. God bless those who are oppressed in their labor. But still, I felt purposeless and it kind of seeped into my day to day life.

I started worrying that I wouldn’t know how to connect with youth anymore and that I’m not qualified to work with them.

Nathan prayed for me today because he realized I was entering a weird mood and he is a sweet and tender man.

Today I convinced my boss to let me attend the AHS senior award night since the peer-counseling class I work with was being recognized. My plan was to sit in the back and show support via my presence. I had spotted two girls in the class and planned on finding a way to give them high fives.

I text the classroom teacher I work with to tell her I was there and she told me to come up with her…to which I was hoping to avoid responding to and feign that I didn’t read her text in time…because I didn’t want to go on stage. She sat in the very front and I thought later that maybe she meant that I should sit up front with her. That would mean walking in front of so many people just to sit with her, which I was also embarrassed to do.

I texted Nathan. He responded “shoot your shot!” It makes sense since he was watching the warriors game and he loves shea serrano, who uses that term often. I took a shot.

This is turning into a long annoying blog entry where I recount my day.

Long story short, I found myself onstage with her co-presenting awards to the peer-counselors in our class, finding words to say that I could say whole-heartedly. I got to recognize and celebrate our students in front of their very impressive (like…$200,000 scholarship to MIT impressive) student peers and parents. I got to give them hugs as my awkward self navigated handing them a certificate with their name on it, reaching to give them a hug, and remarking on their very polished look.  It was really great to see them and I could tell that some of them were happy to see me.

I feel very alive right now and will savor this hit of metaphorical cocaine and let it sink into my bloodstream.

Thank you God for blowing up my cruddy-ness and small aspirations. You show me how You are a God who dreams big and goes all in.

feelings

i feel so full after satisfying a craving for hainan chicken at savoy kitchen in alhambra. the food here is damn delicious and it’s especially delicious when i am not able to access it readily. 

i feel antisocial in the non-psychopath sense. today when my coworkers kept trying to hug me or pat my shoulder, i just wanted to say “leave me alone” i want to be alone.

i feel disturbed after watching the 1st season of 13 reasons why. the suicide scene horrified me, it’s devastating and the entire season produces this feeling of powerlessness as the viewer to do anything but passively watch the story unfold. I suppose the goal of the series is then to turn passive audience into active “upstanders” in our friendships.

i had dream a few days ago about the feeling of fear that comes from being sexually assaulted. the show is traumatizing.

i feel hesitant about going to a high school award ceremony to support my class. i feel out of place. i’m neither a teacher, friend nor parent.

reflections on relationship

In the past, my guiding principles in relationships were to find someone who could make me feel special, who could even make me look good or at the very least, feel good about myself. I’d put on my very best, lest risk losing his interest if he were to see me at my very worst.

After meeting Nathan for the second time, I have finally found reason to trash those guiding principles. A better guiding principle is to find someone who you can communicate and work through conflict with, someone who can bear you when you are in an awful and unattractive figurative place and someone who you can bear when they are there too. Maybe attraction matters insofar as it provides some kind of extra boost for a couple to gel, but it’s those deeper guiding principles that really lead to some kind of substantial grounding on foundation.

blah blah blah nathan blah blah blah

high school

today during time for the group project- Kid A passed Kid B a sealed condom wrapper under the table and i did not address it because i didn’t want to know more.

—

sometimes i’ll try and make conversation with the students and realize that i’ve become that weird old person who asks awkward questions and says things that don’t make sense.

me: oh *points to kid c’s t-shirt*the walking dead survivor!

kid c: …

me: were you on the set or what?

kid c: …

me: the walking dead…tv show.

kid c: …

me: so were you on the set?

kid c: no

me: how’d you get the shirt?

kid c: i bought it. *laughs nervously and slowly sidesteps away*

death, a halting stop. life, in motion. strange contrast

This photo was taken my freshmen year of college at a Theatre Rice barbecue at the park. It was loads of fun. We all ended up climbing a tree together and nearly all of us sat in the tree branches. 

It’s weird because I got a notification today on facebook that I clicked because I needed a break from work. The notification was posted on the Theatre Rice alumni wall and someone copied and pasted a post that said Janelle (girl on the left) died in a car accident on April 29th at the age of 29.

I clicked a link to see the original post and read comments from people I knew from the club remembering what a wonderful person Janelle was. A few people mentioned not having stayed touch with her over the years but missing her. There was a mentioning of a funeral service for her happening and that was that.

And just like that, the world has changed.

And life moves on.

Janelle, a magical person with deep + colorful thoughts and ideas, now cannot be found.