i get off the plane, take the bart in the east bay and suddenly the people i encounter dress like me: black windbreaker, tennis shoes/sneakers, jeans, backpack! black, blue, greys.
I am not in LA.
Month: October 2016
Day 5
We covered the topic of sexual violence today.
I felt very close to the students today now that I know half of them by name and joke that if we make eye contact, I’ll call on them because it looks like they have something valuable to say. I think they are starting to fear and like me, which is where I want to be headed.
Everything went well and I figured out that so long as I’m prepared with knowing exactly what I want to say, then my delivery will not be all jumbled up since I naturally do not think linearly.
Cool things:
-they know who Brock Turner is (former Stanford swimmer), they mentioned “white privilege” and we talked about Corey Batey (former Vanderbilt football player and serving a 15 year sentence in prison- compare that with Turner’s 3 mo. in jail), they know about Donald Trump’s recovered tapes where he brags about sexual assault to George Bush’s younger cousin Billy Bush. that was good to know that they are informed!!
The heaviness came in the end when the bell rang 5 minutes before usual- assembly schedule…which meant that there was no time for probably the most important thing…debriefing/mindfulness/checking in. I feel bad about that because I can recall a time I left class and left campus because something in class said was so triggering that I needed to get out of there.
Dear God,
Please let these kids have outlets to pour out to if they are feeling sad or angry or confused about what was covered in class. Help them not take it home with them. Please!!!!!!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!!! Please!!!
thoughts begetting thoughts
I think growing up in this achievement-centered culture, my default is to confound achievement with self-worth. As I’m reflecting on why I become so undone when something I do goes poorly, I come to identify perhaps an area of generational bondage that my family has and I have too. It’s related to equating out performance to our self-worth.
Even in the physical-building church i grew up in, we sang songs about our unworthiness and God’s grace redeeming us- but the focus seemed to be on how much we sucked- at least, I interpreted it that way.
When Christ died on the cross, He redefined humanity and our self-worth in that moment became rooted in worthiness. Worthy of sacrifice of the very the lamb of God. The truth of the matter is that we are worthy and that security gives us the freedom to try without fear of what the implications of falling might mean.
I think I need to learn that failing at a task doesn’t mean that I am less worthy. It means that I have identified an area that could use improvement and I have the freedom to try at it without fear of being defined by my actions.
(For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons. Romans 8:15)
Ok, end of reflections for the day.
Day 4
Praise God for answered prayer. Thanks Nate dogg for praying for me.
I felt connected to my class after asking everyone to tell me their name and an extracurricular activity they do outside of classes. I think even though seniors sometimes act closed off and too cool for school, they want to be known. They got a kick out of the snack suggestions I gathered from their responses: “NO mint chocolates, NO granola bars, burritos from Pepe’s with green chili sauce, fruit snacks, candy, horchata, hash browns……”. This ended with Bradley shouting out “who wrote the hash browns?!” When I told them about the slang I heard in my high school, some they remarked that they still said “hella, dope” and other slang like “baller, boss, fasho” they responded to with disbelief. And when we got to the teen dating violence portion, it hit home for a few students. And they could see how jealousy and controlling behavior were red flags of unhealthy relationships that they had seen or experienced.
I tend to want to be the loud outgoing facilitator who is extremely cheerful and emotive- but I’m not that person. My sense of humor is subtle and my affect is on the flatter side, but I feel comfortable about being who I am and it feels so much more freeing than trying to be someone else. I still feel self-conscious about being over-shadowed by the loud cheerful facilitator person, but I can’t deny feeling good about being myself too.
When Caleb said his name, he said “My name is Caleb and I can’t share about the activities I do outside of school” and my response was “Ok Caleb! next” and there was some chuckling. I can tell that Caleb enjoys defying me but I can also sense that he expects me to keep him in check.
I still have no idea how we’re going to get through the school year and go to the social action research + community organizing part.
But if it’s June 2017, and we made it to the end of the school year, then I will know even more so without a doubt that God is completely sovereign and can use anyone to do anything.
reflections on day 3
i didn’t feel so great today in the classroom. i think all the content was covered and the students participated in the activities and were even engaged at the times i thought they would be–but i didn’t feel present and i didn’t feel connected to them. i didn’t feel that beaming feeling of even wanting to connect to them through the lesson.
i’d rather feel connected to them than be a distant someone who comes in to deliver a few workshop/activities/lessons a week.
i guess the problem is personally for myself, i haven’t figured out how to be friendly with them and want to know them without crossing a teacher/student boundary. i see other teachers interacting with their students casually on campus and comfortably but i’m not there yet.
today i also invited the student’s teacher to lead some of the activities and through thec class period reflected on how i’ve become dependent on the teacher in some ways. i don’t think i’ve navigated yet the dynamic between myself and her in her classroom and that made me feel small. i also feel disconnected from the school and too insecure to walk around the campus introducing myself to other teachers and admin there.. though i have to at some point for this project to work.
i guess i’m extremely aware of my shortcomings and on Strengths Finders, that is a strength known as “restorative”- where you easily identify areas in need of improvement, which allows you to then take steps towards change. but in the moment, i just feel the daunting challenge yet again from getting from point A to point B. here we go again!
things that went well:
-activity exploring prevalence of teen dating violence (TDV) in US
-students engaged when listening to actual excerpts of TDV and identifying the type of abuse
-being able to build off student’s responses and the teacher’s points
things that i want to do better
-learning student’s names and maybe praying for them? maybe that will help me kickstart my heart in the direction of genuinely caring for them
-saying good morning or hi to them when they come in the door, make some efforts to know them in appropriate ways
-doing a better job of multitasking before the period begins by checking in with the teacher as i’m setting up
and ending with some mercy on myself:
i’m proud of myself for taking on the challenge of implementing this idealistic program and for being able to step into a classroom of 36 students after face-palming day after day in a classroom of 18 in 2011-12. i might not be a gifted communicator, but i think i have some talents in this area and maybe by the time i’m 50, i will have invested these talents and seen it grow with interest.
on solutions for preventing relationship violence
“Get a group together to revolt and prevent relationship violence and sexual violence”
I’m looking through responses and this one was my favorite. very marxist.
Jesus!
Thanks for letting that go well. Infinity thanks that the student’s teacher is in the classroom so my focus doesn’t have to be on classroom management…not…yet
Highlights:
getting the class to see the power of data in being able to observe patterns and tell stories. i displayed some of their own survey responses I collected in bar graphs and asked them to tell me what they saw. at the end of the activity, one boy said something that made my heart sing- he said “this is kinda cool!” that moment made 3+ years of stats, data entry, excel spreadsheets, and STATA (bane of my existence) in grad school entirely worth it.
when asked to step up and present, they did
the more attitude-y girl said the key word- “consent”
the more side conversation guy table in the back participated in the activity
i think they think i’m weirdly amusing.
low light:
when i accidentally called one of the black students by the other black student’s names…and they look nothing alike…and then later referenced Black Lives Matter but couldn’t even call them by their first name. disrespect.
face palm.
7:18am
gosh, day 2 at AHS. i feel unprepared, like i’m not ready to perform bc my lines aren’t fully rehearsed.
well, when memory fails…
there’s God and
improv.
PTL
Day 1 back to school in a different context with a class of 36 seniors.
Praises:
-Student’s teacher is present, supportive and absolutely encouraging. I know for the time being at least, I cannot do this without her presence in the room.
-Over the course of the last two years, I’ve gotten used to waking up earlier and earlier so 6am wasn’t so bad this time around.
-I appreciate the students in the class I’m facilitating. I’m starting to see the dynamics of the classroom. The smart quiet girl who knows all the answers but maybe needs to be called on. The shy girl who doesn’t want to be called on. The guy who might want to be engaged but his friend distracts him. The bold girl who does her thing and will rise up in leadership positions. The socially awkward guy who shares funny things like how much coffee he drinks a day. The cool guy who sits quietly and only talks to his friends.
-I’m grateful I don’t facilitate every day period after period. It’s enough preparing for one class twice a week! (how do u do it grace?)
-I’m grateful that today I had several moments where I found myself in this out of body experience where I realized I was just talking without knowing how the words were coming out and as that was happening, I could see students who were listening and others who weren’t, but I kept going.
-I’m grateful that today when I walked into the classroom, I cared less about what the students thought of me and more so desired them to grow and thrive.
All of the above is God’s work because on my own, my heart would be in the wrong places.
Yes, after giving out the first of 5 mandated surveys we need to collect (program evaluation for our funders…annoying for everyone)- I gave them chocolate so they would associate doing surveys with something pleasant. Even though stupid surveys are the WORST.
Out of Darkness 