the story of working at a non-profit:
forgot to tell you but
do this this and this by next week.
wait actually, we’re supposed to do something else.
wait actually we don’t know what we’re supposed to do.
we just know that some major report is due next week.
the hilarious story of working at a non profit.
today i felt sad at work because i was alone in my office. and for whatever reason i had a difficult time being open with other staff.
i really wanted to share about my weekend but no one asked. i guess i got to share with the facilities person briefly but the extent of the brief conversation revolved around the LA rams beating the Saints in football.
i guess something that happened this weekend was worm-holing to LA, and getting reconnected and reawakened to the relationships i had there. it was all very familiar and comfortable. i felt known all weekend and even more so, affirmed in my identity. it was a gift and thanks nate for supporting me to go!
in contrast, here i am working at the new agency where i feel like the foreign person having to build up relationships from scratch. this time with a team who hired me for the reason being that i am not like them. i feel different and unrelatable and unknown at times, some days more than others.
at the same time, i should give myself some credit for working at a place that is outside of my comfort zone, where if i have the courage to be vulnerable, can really grow and also help make a difference.
so let me utter the prayer inspired by brene brown-
God let me have the courage to show up and be seen, show up and be known.
today as i was crossing international avenue on fruitvale, aka a big intersection, a young black woman fell off her bicycle- the car behind her slamming on the brakes. luckily there were no collisions. the young woman quickly pushed herself up and picked up the pieces of her bike, looking very focused and shocked. it was slightly drizzling and dark and the road was likely slippery.
i asked if she was ok as i was crossing the street and she said she was fine and thanked me. i told her she should probably head to the sidewalk and gestured over to where i was. she walked in the other direction and then the light turned green.
i walked away. i wonder if i should have stayed with her and i feel that i should have. since i did not, i will write a prayer for her-
dear God, keep that woman safe tonight. thank you for protecting her, keep protecting her. recover her. help her know recovery and give her relief from any shook up ness. put people in her life to care for her and walk with her. amen.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:19)
Our trip to Cleveland brought up a lot of emotions. We were excited about the opportunity to visit Chicago and explore the possibility of returning there for Nate’s grad school program in jazz studies. We were comfortable at my brother and sister in law’s home and spending time with them. We were happy to meet up with my old housemates (one of which who shares the same first and middle name as Nate), who were also in Cleveland at the time. And then I lost my wedding ring and we felt other emotions. As a side confession I tend to lose things all the time- my phone, my keys, ear plugs, and I had tended to rely on Nathan to help me find them.
Losing the ring was really something that brought up other things hidden beneath the surface.
I think part of being married in my experience is to think you’ve moved on from the discovery phase in dating when you uncover all these interesting facets of a person. Instead of expressing anger, Nathan shared how he felt hurt and he showed me grace in comforting me and helping me look for the ring. Coming from a family that de-values material things, I don’t think I really grasped the value that the ring carried. In the year when Nate was living at church, spending most of his time at our church internship and the remainder of his time working at a cafe, he managed to save up money to buy the ring he wanted to give me, without compromising. He put saving up for the ring above purchasing things he wanted for himself that would have benefitted his guitar playing. The ring was a symbol of his commitment to our relationship, one in which he showed extravagant grace. I appreciated seeing this side of Nathan that had always been there, I guess I just never looked hard enough.
I came into 2019 feeling pretty confident about where God was leading me, I entered 2019 with a great new job, new place to live, more peace at our church, and new relationship goals achieved with Nathan. Now I see ways that I must grow because not growing affects more than me.
Goals for 2019: Be more present minded, which includes being responsible for myself (and my belongings – especially things of value)- which also includes practicing gratitude to those closest to me.
Out of Darkness 