on lessons

if there’s a lesson that God is teaching me in this chapter of life, it’s learning to put my hope in not-external circumstances.

i think finding a symbolic puzzle piece and all the green lights of leaving LA naturally made me think that re-integrating to the Bay Area would be a piece of cake. in fact, i remember telling people before quitting my job that I wasn’t concerned about getting a job in the Bay Area because i was confident in my abilities, achievements, and experiences.

what’s more, finding housing was this completely unexpected thing that kind of fell from the sky and when I shared the news with others, I think we all assumed this was a sign that moving back to the Bay would be easy.

after applying to ~20-25 jobs and interviewing with 3 of them and getting rejected from 2 of the 3 (including my dream job at RDA) and getting a rejection notice from hyphen magazine for a piece i just assumed they would accept – i’ve been confronting with the limits of my abilities.

it’s not a bad thing to confront, it is just painful and self-defeating.

i think God is teaching me to put my hope in Him and it’s a lesson I in the past thought I learned but had never really had to press into because I’ve never been in a stage of despair-ful unemployment. things have generally lined up and i’ve generally been offered opportunities without having to wait long.

this process of waiting has really exercised this weak abstract muscle i have that is the muscle of “hope”. To hope is an act of will and I see how this time in my life is an opportunity to practice hoping in God’s deliverance rather than yield to cynicism or the false hope in my circumstances as the source of security.

all of this is a lot easier to navigate when you’re in a relationship with someone who has been down that path and has hope that is one cultivated from lived-through despair and is really sweet.

 

a common occurrence in the last few weeks has been that i’ll wake up between the hours of 3-6am after some kind of bizarre dream. and i’ll be up and once i’m up, all these doubts rush in- doubts about my self-worth, abilities, like-ability.

ive always has these thoughts since when i first started journaling so they aren’t anything new.

but this time i have an added layer of feelings of loss in giving up my community in LA that cannot be replaced. i treasure epicentre and the relationships i had there, the accountability and support i had through my girl friends in particular who could speak into my life when i was in these periods of existential depression. connecting over the phone or email is nothing compared to spending intentional time together, sharing a meal together, laughing together in the midst of whatever problems we go through. i miss my church family, i miss the people, the worship, getting lunch afterwards in fun places nearby. i miss my work community, certain coworkers, sharing about our day through the day, comraderie. i miss going home to my roommate and having dinner together just because we could. i miss living with her. i miss the connectedness in life there. LA became something special to me and on my best days, I hold onto that memory dearly. on my worst days, the memory of feelings there serves as a point of impossible comparison to life in the bay area, where i feel stripped, aimless, useless, hopeless and unknown.

in 2017, we started a life group called rooted and if there is a word to describe 2017, the word is rooted. rooted in identity, life in christ, community.

in 2018, if there is a word to describe the days so far and the ones to come, the word is- uprooted and confronting the reality of what that entails.

 

Shows I’ve enjoyed at some point in my life in chronological order

• Magic School Bus – a class of students go on wild adventures to explore science
• Bill Nye the Science Guy – a man does wild experiments to explore science
• Pepper Ann – the life of a ginger-haired girl who is a misfit
• Wishbone – a dog who likes to star as the main character of old classic works of literature
• Arthur – the life of an aardvark and his friends
• Kratt’s Creatures – two brothers who talk about animals
• Sister Sister – a sister runs into her twin and they have a  funny new life together
• Malcom in the Middle – a dysfunctional family’s life
• Arrested Development – a dysfunctional family’s life
• The Wire – a look at a dysfunctional system of government overruling the lives of drug dealers, police, the press, the education system, law
• Breaking Bad – a dying man facing a moral dilemma chooses a life of vice for the sake of his family, but really he learns that he chose out of selfishness and hunger for power
• The Newsroom – a newsroom that aims to broadcast the facts and the quality reporting of current-day events faces challenges coming from its parent company to conform to the brand of journalism we see today, ie, sensationalism and a focus on the soap opera dramas of every day life instead of focusing on holding government accountable
• 13 Reasons Why – a high school community confronts the reality of suicide and the systems in place that drive a teen to take her life.
• Transparent – a dysfunctional and narcissistic family learns to navigate their life and embrace their sexuality and explore their jewish identity
• The Good Place – a comedy that takes place in the after-life and explores questions of ethics and existence in a creative and funny way.
• Dear White People – a show that takes place in that liberal college setting (filmed at UCLA) and examines the systemic oppression against the black community through the lens of a bunch of interesting black college students.

meandering

today, i sat in the library for 3 hours.

i consumed two books – natural beauty, a DK book that like other DK books, was exceedingly educational. I also read more of hillbilly elegy, which is an interesting perspective from a working-class white dude.

i replied to a few emails, wrote some things, and called the UC Berkeley ASUC event planning services to check on reservation stuff for wedding stuff.

i checked my email feverishly like my life depended on it and asked God for help to trust him.

now i shall return to the apartment and prepare dinner.

this week, i had been feeling this call to do some volunteer work in the midst of oodles of free time. and almost instantaneously after reaching out to an old acquaintance in East Oakland, today i’ll be volunteering with refugee youth for homework help.

ok God, I’ll do this for now. though I’d rather be working forrils. but ok, I’ll follow the Spirit to this tutoring thing and be glad to do it.

<3

it’s impossible to stay mad at my bbgg

 

waiting

November 16 was my last day of work in LA and today hits a two month period of being unemployed. It doesn’t feel great and I recall an incident where someone told me they were job hunting and feeling stressed and my response was “that’s so exciting! there’s so many possibilities of where you may end up!” Now I know that isn’t the best response to give someone who is in the job-hunt. The longer one is in the job hunt, the more one doubts one’s abilities and the more one loses one’s sanity.

I’m sitting here in the library in the afternoon along with other stragglers. Some are high school students, some are homeless folks, some are old retired people. This guy to my left just called someone to share the news that he received his degree in political economy. Two men in front of me have over the course of 1.5 hours, pieced together what looks like a million piece jigsaw puzzle. I feel like one of those heteronormative girls who attend absurd fraternity parties hoping to get picked by a frat guy except in my case, I’m hoping to get picked by an employer.

My plan had been to continue applying to more jobs after my last scheduled interview, but even looking at open positions has become (mildly) tormenting. I’m burnt out on applying to jobs!

Through this whole process of submitting cover letter after cover letter for weeks straight, I’ve learned more about areas of work I am passionate about doing and the areas of work I am passionate about but not doing.

Also it’s interesting to be reflecting on Joseph (from the Bible) and how God wills what he wills and orchestrates what he orchestrates. That at the end of the day, I can’t do much, but God is writing a narrative where my role will declare his redemption plan wherever that might lead me- whether to my dream job (call me R.D.A.), the non-dream job alternative position, or back to the grind of job-search life.