one step forward, two steps .. back

when your agency sends you to a conference that already passed. 

I think I work in the novel Catch-22.

rebooting

rebooting kombucha with black tea- more water to less sugar ratio.

rebooting work stuff with going where it takes me and learning from all the gazillion “mistakes” made along the way

rebooting hair cutting with more practice on gracious friends.

praise be to God that he is a God who welcomes our attempts to live out this confusing life and catches us when we fall flat on our faces. 

poor track record

I’m grateful to God for all the people who have let me cut their hair and not completely hated me for making grave errors. I love cutting hair and I’ve cut four people’s hair and made grave errors each time.

on resentment and pride

I’ve been holding a lot of resentment towards my boss recently and it comes out in passive aggressive snubs. Today, my boss and I met for nearly two hours to discuss the project I’m working on and we went through a cycle of emotions.

Both of us felt misunderstood and under-appreciated- stressed. We offended each other and felt offended. 

For a minute I relished in the thought of saying I was quitting and walking out the door.

Thankfully I was not that rash per a discussion with my roommate the same morning. In the end, we had a great conversation and I was totally humbled.

In the end, I reaffirmed his leadership and he reaffirmed my values and ideals.

I greatly appreciated this instance of two broken individuals coming to the table in disarray and disagreement and miraculously in the end, rebuilding bridges and receiving grace

highlights of introvert day

two peeps i came across today that i want to know more about:

-mohammad ali

-a.w. tozer, particularly his stuff on the mystery of the holy spirit

mohammad ali is SO TIGHT, i never understood the expanse of his tightness. in a time when black people were still extremely discriminated against, he stood loud and proud. he didn’t subscribe to the system but subverted it by proving that he could be the best. not only that, he opposed the government by refusing the draft and gave up 4 years of his career (due to being suspended) to stand by his views against going to vietnam to kill people who never harmed him. he was relational and could laugh at himself. i admire him.

TOZER wrote about the holy spirit in a world where people don’t like talking about it even now. i’m so excited to read his writing.

thoughts on leadership

A part of me cringes when I feel like I’m imposing on someone else a mindset that redirects their way of going/being. Through whatever reason this season, I find that the challenge that I’m forced to walk through is not one related to inner healing or trusting God – it’s more related to leading others, something I feel uncomfortable doing in practice but enjoy the idea of in abstractions.

The only way I can change my actions is by re-evaluating my belief system so this is an example of doing that through Fi and Te (introverted feeling and extroverted thinking). I’m not fully convinced that I agree with the idea of (me) leading others so I’ll try to work it out through writing.

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Some givens through experience or observations:

• People naturally have a desire to rebel. Usually this happens when their authority figure fails to live up to some kind of standard. Yet, even after a successful coup, the resulting economic/social system is never fully communist in the way that Marx/Engels writes about it (everyone shares everything). When my 7th grade class said things to make our Spanish teacher upset or when my 12th grade Spanish class zoned out our teacher, we didn’t truly want to make them cry or feel crappy. I think we wanted them to live up to some kind of authoritative standard. I think we secretly desired some kind of order and security to feel safe. I remember in 4th grade when this kid Joel, our natural class clown and leader, suggested playing a trick on our teacher by hiding from him when he came to walk us back into the classroom from recess (and then running up to the classroom to surprise him there – and then raising our hands when our teacher asked who forgot to do their homework), we wanted him to be upset at us and lecture us and regain his authority. We didn’t want him to step down or cry. We wanted to test his boundaries so he could remind us where our place was in relation to his. That ironically leads to a feeling of greater security, though outwardly, it’s expressed in rude sighs or whines.
• Few people enjoy leading. This is an observation my brother made and I agree with. Leaders are most often the people who do the things that other people don’t really want to do. I think of two longer-term group projects I worked on where none of us really wanted to lead the agenda, because it’s easier to be told what to do than tell others what to do. Of course there are natural leaders who step-in but I’d still say that most people would rather wait for someone else to lead, than to lead.

I’m tired of writing on this subject so in close, I think the point that encourages me to want to be more of a rule-enforcer and bossy-pants in certain scenarios is the fact that creating order allows people to feel safe to speak. It provides the structure for people to be open. For every loud extrovert who carries the conversation whatever the context, there are 10 introverts and quieter extroverts who need a more trusting environment to share the thoughts they’ve been working through. And, part of creating that environment requires one NOT to be a friend, but to be a dictator, a benevolent one.

God, help me learn to be that!

 

quote from a Canadian church handbook on domestic violence

only the church that hears and responds to the word will be able to be a prophetic voice in the wilderness and bring healing to a confused and troubled world 

what the heck

This whole time I thought my former landlord was a slumlord who keeps shoddy property that violates health codes…but then his wikipedia page makes him look so respectable. I don’t know how I feel about all the charitable work he does if it’s based on haphazardly taking care of tenants. To be fair, there are probably some hard-to-take-care of tenants. Still, seeing his name makes me feel like barfing.