I’ve met a lot of interesting people on the bus in LA in the last four years. One time when I rode the 6 from LAX to UCLA, an older man in a wheelchair wearing a Cuban hat was wheeled in by a younger man who was unable to speak and who had a tattoo on his neck. The older man talked about prison. They were followed by a woman who got on and was wearing a bra without a shirt. There’s also pda couples and smelly people- old Persian women, homeless women who wheel shopping cart things with bags because that’s their mobile home, annoying loud people who talk on their phone, fobs, students, faculty. 

Today I was sitting adjacent to a guy who looked like he was in his thirties. he has a big scar running across the edge of his hair line and face. He was twitching impulsively, his neck and shoulders were moving in a way that necks don’t usually move. he would do this repeatedly and then switch to twitching his arms and then start twitching his neck again. he had a subdued expression on his face and he would look straight ahead or look to his right at the iPad screen of the man sitting next to him. at one point he tilted his head with his right hand and pushed his face so that his cheeks were scrunched up into his eyes. 

he wore a hip outfit, sports jacket and jeans, he had a buzz cut. his skin was dark from the sun.

i walked by him to get off at my stop  wondering if he might make a sporadic movement that would attack me. but he had a subdued empty look on his face and when I passed him, he pulled his legs in to let me pass. I smiled at him but he made no acknowledgement that he noticed, just continued to twitch. 

he almost seemed subhuman and it terrified me.

I worry that he is on meth

note

in class I prefaced my comment with “well, from a cynical perspective…” and went on to say something we all know as social workers about power and oppression that is straight up depressing, as we’re entering the field. 

I felt a wave of darkness as I said it and afterwards. the kind where you want to crawl into a hole and fume at how terrible life is. 

note to self- I never want to start any thought or state the words “from a cynical perspective” ever again. 

drank boba too late, can’t sleep, erratic heart rate

after spending two days with epicenter family and tomorrow too- I can’t imagine living without community in Christ. 

I love how God designed us to be relational beings who grow more fully into the unique individuals we were made to be in community with God and with His body, the Church.

I do see how it is easier to serve together out of this outpouring of love. 

ptl

this weekend is jam packed with church family and I am loving it. 

if this is a tiny taste of what heaven is like, wowza. 

on driving in LA

I don’t think people in LA pay attention when they drive.

or at least they aren’t paying attention to the road and the other cars around them.

People often almost drift into my lane and then swerve back into their lane. or, people will change lanes without signaling last minute. or, people will speed up to pass you while you are also accelerating. while their lane is merging into yours. 

I think it is because the cost of not changing lanes in that instant or the cost of not doing risky feats is high- as traffic is unbearable and any window of opportunity to inch ahead is seized like a glutton seizes the next treat. or the fiend his next high. 

I do feel that my life is in danger when driving here and I eagerly await the day of self-driving cars.

limited Spanish

in my limited Spanish, I told the maintenance staff lady who does her job exceptionally well and with dignity that I am leaving at the end of the month. 

I have tried telling her how much I admire her in the past but due to my poor Spanish, I don’t think it translates. I don’t think half of what I say translates actually, including a time I told her that my roommates and I just bought a big tub of liquid soap from Costco and didn’t have a container for it. 

Today I just told her: me gusta usted. 

and she smiled. 

shiver

wow, confession. I just watched a video by TYGA because I wanted to hear what the hype with him as a rapper was. the lyrics were typical mainstream rap lyrics about you know.

but he said one line that stuck with me-

you book smart but don’t be getting paper ($$)

there’s so many layers of things wrong with that statement, though I appreciate the connection between “book” and “paper”

-since when was the goal of being book smart to be rich?

-why is getting paper (i.e., being rich) the end goal?

-would it be better to be getting paper without being book smart?

i will not let my kids listen to mainstream rap unless they are trying to do it for the irony or some hipster reason.

wiper fluid + blah

I made my own window washer fluid with distilled water and windex. works great teehee.

God, get me through the month of May.

This month is trippin 

and wack of many kinds

tesla

i test drove a red model s tesla today. something about having access to luxury makes you lose your sense of reality. somehow you feel above the law and suddenly the speed limit is irrelevant and other people on the road are mere obstacles. when i drive my 2009 camry, i am very aware of the speed limit, of other drivers trying to merge into my lane, and pedestrians. when i drove the tesla, i expected other people to get out of my way.

it’s bizarre how objects can make one feel a sense of entitlement. objects.

a few days ago, i felt God leading me to my knees to surrender all that I was holding onto in this world to Him, to live out my destiny.

today, i felt that enticement of materialism, the seduction of luxury.

and for a moment, it felt good.

<3

I love this story so much