i feel as if life is in motion but i’m one frame behind.
like a badly dubbed movie in which lips don’t match speech.
if everything could just freeze for a moment
and time stand still.
i would be there, listening to the sound of my breathing.
resting.
being.
God, I feel spent. I come to your fountain with nothing much besides a worn spirit. You say come all who are weary, I’m here.
something i learned about working with other community orgs is to be flexible and give up my conception of what should happen and when.
i’m learning that these other groups have way more expertise than i do and sometimes i need to say my thoughts, press when appropriate and let go when appropriate.
so much of life is about balancing and so much of my life involves tripping.
i learned a lot about my mom’s side of the family in less than one hour of talking to my dad. i learned that my grandma’s abuse of my grandpa is causing him to wet his pants – this is on top of him cowering in the bathroom and being afraid of picking up the phone or leaving the house- fearful of doing the wrong thing or forgetting to do the right thing and then getting either scolded or hit by my grandma. the last time i spent a week with them in taiwan, i awoke from an afternoon nap to my grandma shouting “ke wu” at my grandfather over and over again- which means something along the lines of repulsive, vile, and abominable. my grandfather used to be a soldier who rose up in the ranks and eventually landed a job buying and selling military supplies around the world for the taiwanese government- there’s photos of him in DC, south africa, and sweden, among other countries, smiling and looking strong, no doubt confident in his English ability. now he cowers over, unable to fit most of his pants from having lost so much weight, mumbling to himself. 
my grandma was at one point the most physically pretty person in my entire family. when i see old photos of her, i’m stunned by how she looks. now she is this caustic and bitter old woman, her eyes twitching from how angry she is at those around her who seem to constantly be out to cause her pain.
i learned that my aunt suffers from depression, no doubt from years of being married into a family of outward-order and inner-chaos. no doubt, from years of being married into a family who refuses to accept her for who she is.
i learned that my frustrations after most conversations with my dad have less to do with my perceived deficits, and more to do with his insecurities. it took a wonderful afternoon co-facilitating a workshop with three of my youth on healthy boundaries in relationships and the following exchanges for me to be aware that this is not a normal conversation:
me: nathan helped me negotiate a good price on the car. it was even cheaper than the kelly blue book price.
dad: you need to get insurance.
me: nathan helped me get insurance too.
dad: i hate illegal immigrants because they raise the insurance. i hate california politicians because they support illegal immigrants.
dad: i don’t want to see anyone who has a tattoo.
me: but ____ has a tattoo and so does _____. dad, i have a tattoo.
dad: at my work, i don’t see anyone there that has a tattoo. none of my friends have tattoos. so i think most people do not have tattoos.
dad: how come you didn’t tell me about him?
me: i did tell you about him! we talked about him last time i went home and mama got physically ill so that’s why i stopped mentioning him.
dad: well, then maybe you shouldn’t mention him to me because i might get physically ill.
dad: i don’t think highly of UC berkeley music professors. ____ was a music berkeley professor and he cheated on his wife.
me: dad, i know of two pastors who cheated on their wives, it doesn’t mean all pastors cheat on their wives.
dad: uc berkeley music professors are wife-cheaters.
in the past, i was always confused by why i was vocal and more apt to pour out vitriol when i spoke with my dad and why in my social circles, I’m not as loud. i think yesterday’s conversation with him made me realize that for whatever reason, he makes me feel crazy.
i dont exactly know what to do with all this information, but i’ve gotten to share bits and pieces of my family dynamics with friends and also nate – and all i can say is that if my family’s modus operandi is pain avoidance, i’m going to veer far from that and live in confrontation of pain, because there is no other way to transformation.
i am so content right now. it’s rare for me to spend hours upon hours in cafes and libraries and after a morning of errands, i’ve found a comfortable nook to cafe-in with a fizzy glass of lemonade+tea, the single square ice cube clinking around.
“beast”
used to indicate awe.
“i told him to stop fooling around”
“oh beast!”
had lunch with four girls from my class. learned a new a phrase:
“Low key”
said similar to how “no joke” is said. means something like “on the down low”
language- fluid, ever changing with the generations
the class was unusually quiet today, motivated, and attentive. was it because the sun was actually out early in the morning and they were happier? it might have been because i was wearing a skirt instead of the usual pants? i was more prepared? maybe they were all looking forward to spring break? to be honest, idk.
as for this day, every part of me had a good time with them and i feel full.
though i still wake up on tuesdays very aware that i will soon have the attention of 30-34 teenagers, the attention part doesn’t make me (metaphorically) hyperventilate anymore.
thank you God that i dropped out of grad school to enter this program on working with real people with real feelings who are in the process of entering adulthood.
it’s been among the most meaningful and heart-palpitating things i’ve done in los angeles.
me: gracias
clerk: gracias. next time.
me: hasta-
clerk: hasta luego
me: hasta luego
clerk: hasta LA VISTA BABY HAHAHA
me: HAHAHA
today, i left my apartment at 7am instead of 6:45, made it to class just in time for the first bell, no time to greet the classroom teacher. as i was exasperatedly trying to settle in with papers flying out of my hands, while being told that we were on a shorter class schedule – i apologized to a student who i had just unloaded the rest of my handouts on.
V walked over to help me pick up some of the papers. B said in a gentle tone “it’s ok, you can use my desk”. F reminded me what collaboration schedule meant.
I felt in that moment grace, a care from others that i didnt deserve.
I wonder how my class perceives me- a bit all over the place i suppose. of course some might find me annoying, unlikeable or dull- but i think a gift i can give them is seeing me in all my imperfection and how in spite of that, i can still lead- and that goodness if that’s the case, anyone can lead.
Out of Darkness 